• Did the father feel it was not the right time and place to discipline and that the situation was better dealt with by pacifying the child?
• Did the father believe that disciplining his son would be interfering with the child’s exploration and independent behavior, or that he might hurt his son’s self-esteem?
• Did the father not know how to set limits for his son?
• Was he simply so embarrassed by his son’s behavior that he gave up and just waited for the long flight to end?
• What parenting beliefs were influencing his choices?

T. Berry Brazelton, pediatrician and Professor Emeritus at Harvard University, describes discipline as “setting limits” and explains that setting limits is about teaching (Brazelton, 1999). In fact, the root of the word discipline is disciplinare which means to teach or instruct (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1998). Just as parents teach their children to ride a bike or brush their teeth, children need their parents to teach them how to manage their emotions and behavior. Discipline and limit-setting provide guidelines and support for children until they have learned how to manage their emotions and behavior without their parents’ help. When parents discipline children by setting limits, they are not just eliminating bad behavior, they are creating an opportunity to teach their child about appropriate behavior. Brazelton cautions parents against confusing discipline with punishment. According to Dr. Brazelton (1999) discipline is the second most important thing parents can give their children—the first is love.

Setting limits begins early in life in the context of the loving and nurturing parent-child relationship (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1998). During the first nine months of life parents and other caregivers set limits by creating routines for their infant, such as sleep and feeding routines. As children become more mobile and more independent, parents’ limit-setting bag of tricks needs to grow (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1998).

Why is Setting Limits Important?

Responding to an infant’s needs in loving, reliable and consistent ways, and setting limits through routines helps infants make connections between their behavior and adult responses, leading children to feel secure and develop an emotional bond with their parent (Brazelton, 1999). When parents set limits consistently and reliably, children learn to anticipate or predict what the consequences (good or bad) will be for their behavior. Children learn that, “When I do this, Mom or Dad responds to me like that.” Limit-setting helps children feel safe, cared for and loved. When parents do not set limits or limits are inconsistent, children cannot predict if or when a consequence is going to occur. In some cases, this can lead to pediatric anxiety and depressive disorders.

Some parents fear that setting limits for their child will damage their self-esteem, which they believe is critical to children’s healthy development. However, recent research has found that self-esteem does not necessarily lead to success (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger, & Vohs, 2003). A more important trait for children to develop is self-control, the ability to regulate their own emotions and behavior. Self-control at age four predicts school achievement, social skills and popularity in early adulthood. People with self-control have better health and relationships. Low self-control is a major predictor of criminal behavior and is related to tendencies to break rules and violate behaviors society deems acceptable. Self-control helps children be more successful across many areas of life including school, relationships, and citizenship (Baumeister, 2005).

Tips for Setting Limits for Children Right from the Start

• Begin setting limits right from birth by establishing routines for your infant.
• Remember that children want and need you to set clear limits—it makes them feel safe and loved. However, don’t confuse wanting and needing clear limits with liking limits. Don’t expect your child to always be happy about the limits you set.
• Discipline is not just about reducing or stopping unwanted behaviors. It is also about increasing desirable behaviors and teaching new skills.
• Provide your child with clear, consistent and simple commands. Avoid asking a question when the child really doesn’t have a choice. For example, instead of, “Would you like to go the store?” say, “We’re going to the store. You can help me pick out fruit for this week.”
• Structure your child’s environment to encourage the behaviors you want. If you want your child to pick up her toys, have shelves or toy baskets close by and at her level.
• Provide your child with structure and routines. This helps children know what to expect.
• Respond to your child’s misbehavior quickly and calmly.
• Have a variety of limit-setting tools in your toolkit. Different children, and different situations, may require different responses. Timeout can be effective, but may lose its effectiveness if overused.
• Avoid power struggles and arguments with your child.
• Once you set a limit, avoid giving in to your child. If you give in, he will be encouraged to test how serious you are about limits.
• Make changes in your home environment to avoid pitfalls, such as childproofing and storing breakables out of children’s reach. You will find yourself saying “no” a lot less.
• Anticipate problematic situations and be prepared to deal with them, for example grocery shopping with a tired or hungry child.
• Catch children being good and praise their behavior, “I like the way you are putting your toys away!”
• Distract or redirect your child’s attention to something else like a toy, pet, or new game.
• Take opportunities to talk with your child and explain, “When you do ____ I will do ____ until you can stop yourself.” This teaches children to anticipate consequences and over time they will learn to set their own limits.
• Take opportunities to talk with your child and ask him what he needs from you to help set limits. “Tell me what would help you to stop doing this?” Asking him what he needs to set limits teaches him to take responsibility for his own limit setting.
• Teach your child alternative behaviors and ways to express her emotions. Remember—discipline is about teaching. When you are in a difficult discipline situation with your child, ask yourself, “What do I want my child to learn from this?”
• Children also learn from modeling. Be aware of your own behavior.
• Physical punishment is not acceptable. Studies have shown that hitting, spanking or striking a child are not effective forms of discipline and can lead to negative outcomes for children.

Discipline is a long term job that takes a lot of work. It can be difficult to be the “bad guy,” but teaching your child how to manage her behavior and emotions is a life-long gift of love.

Other helpful information available in our Research Section

Resources for Parents:
Copycats
Discipline: The Brazelton Way, by T. Berry Brazelton and Joshua D. Sparrow, 2003, Perseus Publishing.
Discipline: Setting limits with love [VHS tape or DVD], hosted by Dr. T.B. Brazelton. Available at http://www.iamyourchild.org/
Tantrums Happen!
Testing 1, 2, 3

Children's Books:
It's Hard to Be Five: Learning How to Work My Control Panel by Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell, 2004, Joanna Cotler Books.

References: American Academy of Pediatrics. (1998). Guidance for effective discipline. Pediatrics, 101(4), 723-728. Baumeister, R. (2005). Rethinking self-esteem. Stanford Social Innovation Review, 3(4), 34-41.  Baumeister,  Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(1), 1-44.  Brazelton, T. B. (1999). Discipline: Setting limits with love [VHS tape]. [Beverly Hills, CA]: New Screen Concepts; I Am Your Child.

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