Arms full of groceries, you step through the door and can't believe
your eyes. It looks like there has been a hurricane in your living
room. . . again. Trains, cars, and books cover the couch and the
floor. The toy box in the corner has been tipped over, spilling toys
all over the rug. Of course, you have friends coming over for dinner
in an hour.
"Honey, our friends are coming over tonight," you say with
frustration in your voice. "Could you please put your toys away?"
Just when you think you'll have to clean this up
yourself, you find your toddler right there next to you lending a hand.
Just a few months ago, you'd feel lucky if he helped put one toy away
before running off. Over the past few months, he has seemed more and
more willing to do what you say without making a fuss.
So what's changed?
It's called self-regulation.
There is no magic moment when children become more likely to follow
directions. But at around 12 months, something very important happens:
they begin to develop the ability to control their urges, change their
behavior, and do what mom or dad say. Not all of the time, of course.
But as children grow, so does their ability to stop themselves from
doing something they want to do (like writing on the walls) and perform
tasks that they don't like (picking up their toys), even when parents or
caregivers aren't around (Kochanska, Coy, &
Murray, 2001).
The name for this wonderful part of development is "self-regulation" and
it is one of the most important milestones of life. Without it, we would
have a very hard time functioning, learning lessons in school, playing
with friends, or getting along with people in general.
Even though just about every child develops some level of
self-regulation, each person is different. Some kids will naturally
develop this ability earlier than others. Just as some children show
more shyness, some children show more "effortful control" which is a
personality trait that leads to self-regulation (Kochanska, Coy & Murray, 2001).
The dos and don'ts.
For kids, there are two sides to self-regulation: "the dos" (as in,
"Wash your hands before dinner") and "the don'ts" (as in "Don't throw
daddy's keys across the room!"). For a child, the "dos" include doing
things or finishing things he really
doesn't want to do. "Don'ts"
include stopping himself from doing something he wants to do. As most
parents and caregivers can attest, children deal with "dos" and
"don'ts" in very different ways.
In a recent study, researchers watched as children from ages one to
four were put into common "do" and "don't" situations. In one test,
children were placed in a room and asked to put away toys scattered
around a play area. In another, children were told not to touch a
shelf full of interesting toys. In each situation, the adults would
leave the room and the children were videotaped.
As you may have guessed, children were much better at following the
"don't" requests rather than the "do" requests. Why that is remains
unknown. But the researchers have a few theories.
Most kids hear "don'ts" more often and at an earlier age than "dos."
Words like "Don't touch that hot stove!" come before "Brush your teeth
before bedtime." Another reason might be that it takes more mental
effort for children to force themselves to do something they'd rather
not do than to stop doing something fun and exciting (Kochanska, Coy, & Murray, 2001).
Improving with age.
Most children get better at following parents' requests as they grow
older, and there's usually a lot of improvement between ages one and
three (Kochanska, Coy, & Murray, 2001).
In general, self-regulation begins between 12 to 18 months, when
children become more aware of social demands and develop the ability
to change their behavior when a parent asks. In most cases, this early
step in self-control requires an adult to be nearby. By 24 months,
this ability improves to the point where children start to develop
self-control, or the ability to follow wishes more often when mom and
dad aren't around. By 36 months, most children can internalize
parents' guidance. In other words, children will act in ways that
reflect how they think mom or dad would want them to in different
situations.
Why aren't children better at self-regulation at earlier ages?
Researchers still need to nail down the details, but effortful control
and self-regulation appear to be related to several areas of brain
development — especially those that are
involved with attention and resolving conflict. Effortful control (the
underlying personality trait) has also been linked to the development
of empathy, guilt and a conscience (Posner &
Rothbart 2000), which tends to develop in a child's
second year.
On days when your child just won't listen, keep in mind that
self-regulation doesn't develop overnight. It's a skill that grows
over time, especially during those crucial years before four. And it
may be one of the most important developments in childhood. The
ability to follow directions and behave is something we all need to
learn in order to function in our families and cultures.
Helpful Parenting Tips
Don't expect too much too soon. Developing the ability to control urges and stop doing something, or continuing to do things when you don't want to, is difficult for all of us and can take years.
Children are more likely to misbehave in certain types of situations. Be aware of tempting settings and be prepared to help your child through them.
Create situations where your child can explore without hearing lots of "don'ts."
Catch your child doing lots of things right - like not touching something when you ask her not to - and praise her for it.
Be gentle when teaching children how to control urges - temptations can be strong.
Help your children as they learn to do chores, like picking up toys. Make
tasks as fun as possible.
References:
Kochanska, G.,
Coy, K. C., & Murray, K. T. (2001). The development of
self-regulation in the first four years of life. Child
Development, 72(4), 1091-1111.
Murray, K. T., &
Kochanska, G. (2002). Effortful control: Factor structure and
relation to externalizing and internalizing behaviors. Journal
of Abnormal Child Psychology, 30(5), 503-514.
Posner, M. I., &
Rothbart, M. K. (2000). Developing mechanisms of self-regulation.
Development and Psychopathology, 12, 427-441.
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doesn't want to do. "Don'ts"
include stopping himself from doing something he wants to do. As most
parents and caregivers can attest, children deal with "dos" and
"don'ts" in very different ways.
