Some days, it’s just no fun to be an adult. Your boss gives you another project. A client rejects your work. And as you walk toward your car, you see that the slow leak in the tire has finally become a full-fledged flat.
When you arrive home, there is nothing to do but sit on the couch and turn on the television.
Then you notice your toddler standing a few feet away, his brow furrowed with concern. He wobbles toward you, climbs into your lap, and asks, “Daddy, are you okay?” Then he does what he does best—he hugs you. And, of course, it works like a charm. You feel better right away.
He's showing you empathy. And he's only two years old.
When you think about it, this is a remarkable and heartwarming
achievement. Research shows that during the second year of life, children
begin to develop concern for other people, and often try to comfort them. (Zahn-Waxler
& Radke-Yarrow, 1990)
Empathy in baby steps.
We may all be born with a biological bent toward empathy. Babies start
at birth with the ability to respond to the emotions of others,
imitating the facial expressions of their caregivers or bursting into
tears if they hear another baby cry. By three months, babies respond
differently to happy faces than to sad faces, showing that they can tell
the difference between them. (Izard, et al.,1995) These responses aren’t
really empathy yet, but they might be some of the first steps on the
path to sharing the feelings of another person.
By the time their first birthdays arrive, babies are going through big
changes. Let’s say two babies are playing. On his way to grab a new toy,
one little boy stumbles and falls, hurting his leg. What will the other
one-year-old do? Will he notice? Will he pay attention?
He not only notices, but he begins to look quite concerned. He might
furrow his brow or stick out his lip. He might be feeling scared
himself, wondering if something bad will happen to him. These responses
are part of another step in the growth of empathy.
In one research study, one-year-olds were shown videotapes of other
children crying. The one-year-olds began showing signs of distress,
usually by sucking on their hands, their shirts or a toy. (Ungerer, et
al.,1990)
Feeling distress when another person is troubled isn’t quite empathy,
because feeling bad yourself doesn’t necessarily mean that you feel bad
for the other person. But seeing another person crying, and then feeling
troubled by it, is moving closer to what we call empathy.
From hugs and kisses to band-aids.
Around a child’s first birthday, something almost magical happens—a
child begins to show concern for others. A research study looked at
children’s responses to emotions as they grew through three age ranges:
13–15 months old, 18–20 months old and 23–25 months old. (Zahn-Waxler,
Radke-Yarrow, Wagner, & Chapman, 1992)
To do this study, the researchers trained mothers to become researchers
themselves. First, researchers trained the mothers to observe their
children’s responses to the emotions of others. But the mothers did more
than observe—they also “pretended” to show different emotions to their
children and then recorded
how their children reacted. To add to the mothers’ observations,
researchers visited once a month and observed the children. Finally, at
age two, the mothers and children would go to the laboratory, where
the mothers again pretended to be hurt or sad and the children’s
responses were recorded. (Zahn-Waxler et al.,1992)
Here's some of what they found:
13–15
months—More than half the children had tried to hug, pat or touch
another
person showing distress. Scientists call this “prosocial behavior,”
which means that the children not only responded to the emotion they
saw, but also made an attempt to help the other person feel better.
This doesn’t mean that children this young showed empathy all the
time—they didn’t—but it shows some early signs of empathy.
18–20 months—Children showed more prosocial behavior, and they responded in
a wider variety of ways. Some of these included verbal responses (“Are you
okay?”), sharing goodies, trying to bring bandages or a blanket, or trying to
help in other ways.
23–25 months—Children showed even more empathy. All but one of the children
in the study expressed concern and helped others, even without the encouragement
of a parent or caregiver. And while children mainly showed empathy toward their
mothers, they clearly showed concern for strangers, as well. (Zahn-Waxler, Radke
et al., 1992)
A word of caution.
Although this research tells a wonderful story, we have to keep
something in mind. Even though children as young as 12 months can show
empathy, it doesn’t mean they will show it all the time. Sometimes young
children might not show any empathy at all, and at times they might even
laugh when they cause another person distress. It’s important to
remember that they are learning about how emotions work, and they will
get better at showing empathy as they grow.
Helpful Parenting Tips
Show
empathy to your children. Research shows that parenting with empathy
and emotional guidance encourages healthy emotional growth. Children
are also some of the best copycats around, and they are likely to copy
the ways they see you treat people.
Provide simple, clear explanations about how other people feel when they are
sad or hurt. This is especially important if your child has caused these
feelings in another (“Carlos feels bad when you call him names.”). When this
happens, be firm as you explain how these feelings work.
Praise your child’s early expressions of empathy—they are wonderful signs of
learning to care about other people. When your child gives up his favorite toy
to a younger sibling who’s crying, make sure he knows you appreciate his action.
Don’t expect empathy every time. Young children are people get along with
others. Encourage empathy, but don’t expect perfection.
References:
Izard, C. E.,
Fantauzzo, C. A., Castle, J. M., Haynes, O. M., Rayias, M. F., &
Putnam, P. H. (1995). The ontogeny and significance of infants
facial expressions in the first 9 months of life. Developmental
Psychology, 31(6), 997-1013.
Ungerer, J. A.,
Dolby, R., Waters, B., Barnett, B., Kelk, N., & Lewin, V. (1990).
The early development of empathy: Self-regulation and individual
differences in the first year. Motivation and Emotion, 14(2),
93-106.
Zahn-Waxler, C., &
Radke-Yarrow, M. (1990). The origins of empathic concern.
Motivation and Emotion, 14(2), 107-103.
Zahn-Waxler, C.,
Radke-Yarrow, M., Wagner, E., & Chapman, M. (1992). Development of
concern for others. Developmental Psychology, 28(1),
126-136.
