Your new baby is six months old, and he's a happy little snugglebug.
He loves playing peek-a-boo, and he just started crawling last week.
But since the new baby arrived, it’s been a different story with
your three-year-old.
There's no getting around it: Your toddler is now a grump.
She pouts
at you and frowns or pokes at the baby. She used to sleep all night,
but now she’s waking up and needing your help to get back to sleep.
She used to say "I can do it myself," but now she whines “help me.”
She wants you to feed her again, to play with her often, and even
pull on her socks when you know she can do it herself.
What’s happening to your independent three-year-old daughter? Why is she acting like a one-year-old?
New baby, old problems
When a new baby arrives, life changes for everyone. These changes are
especially big for older children. Suddenly, they don’t have mom and dad
to themselves anymore and they’re getting less attention. They also have
to learn how to act around a new baby who cries a lot and can’t do the
things they like to do. They might be adjusting to a new bed or a new
room, and people might expect them to act more responsibly now that they
are “big sister” or “big brother.” This is a lot for toddlers or
preschoolers to handle.
Research shows that almost all firstborn children under age four
— 93 percent in one study —
behave negatively in some way once their baby brothers and
sisters are born (Dunn & Kendrick, 1982; Kramer
& Ramsburg, 2002). With a new baby in the house, you may find
that older children start acting differently:
They may need help doing things they once could handle on their own, such as getting dressed, feeding themselves or using the toilet.
They may pretend they are babies too, needing the same attention you are giving to the new baby (like wanting to be rocked or fed with a bottle).
They may have trouble falling asleep or sleeping through the night.
They may become more demanding and clinging, or they may be irritable and seem to be looking for ways to irritate you, too.
They may insist on sticking to routines, no matter what.
They may be aggressive toward their new sister or brother, ranging from “near misses” (almost doing something to the baby and then stopping) to poking, pushing or hitting. They might be upset at the baby, or they may be acting this way to get your attention. These aggressive actions vary widely from child to child.
They may try to irritate the baby by making lots of noise, taking toys away, or doing other things the baby doesn’t like.
Even if your child is doing some of these things, don't despair. The
same research that shows negative behavior between older children and
new babies also shows changes for the better.
Most children can be warm and affectionate with their new brothers or sisters, even if they are clearly upset by all of the changes a new baby brings.
While some older children seem to lose some ability to care for themselves for a time, they do move forward again, most often by the time the new baby is a year old. Also, more than half of older children became more independent after the birth of a baby.
Good news! By the time the younger child is 14 months old, many bad behaviors disappear and in many families laughter increases among siblings.
Helpful Parenting Tips
To help prepare the older sibling for a new baby, there are many
things you can try before and after the birth. These tips may help your
older child adjust to all the changes a baby brings and put them on the
path to a strong relationship.
Before the birth
When talking to your child about the new family member, make sure to refer to the coming baby as a person with his or her own needs and feelings. Children who are told that the new baby will have his own thoughts, feelings, and wishes often interact better with their siblings once they arrive.
As much as possible, encourage your older child's friendships with other children. One study found that having a close playmate helped children interact with their younger brothers and sisters, perhaps because it teaches them some of the social skills they need (Kramer & Gottman, 1992).
Don't worry too much about the number of years between your children—there’s
no perfect amount of time. While longer time periods between children may help
some adjust better, other factors (support from others, resources of the family)
are more important. Try to plan your children with those family needs in mind.
After the birth
Do your best to keep up the amount of attention you spend on your older child. You'll be busy with the new baby, but as much as possible, try to give attention to the firstborn too.
Take your older child to visit her mom and new brother or sister in the hospital. Children who visit the hospital after a birth are more likely to respond well when their mothers return home.
Try to be patient and understanding if your older child doesn’t care for herself as well as she did in the past. Wanting help dressing or feeding or playing – researchers call it "regression" – is common for older children once a new baby is in the house. It will pass, usually before the new baby is a year old.
Try to include your firstborn child in taking care of the baby. Fetching diapers, playing together or helping soothe the baby may help older children feel more involved and will give you a chance to spend time with the children together.
Do your best to help your older child and your baby develop a positive relationship from the start. Point out each child's abilities and activities to the other. Ask for help in figuring out what the baby wants. Try to find activities that you can do with both children. And don't forget to praise them on those marvelous occasions when they play well together.
Our relationships with sisters and brothers often become some of the
deepest and most rewarding in our lives. Even though it may be rocky at
times, brothers and sisters can make each other’s lives wonderful. By
taking these steps from the start, this special relationship can begin
in your children’s early years.
References:
Dunn, J., &
Kendrick, C. (1982). Siblings: Love, envy, & understanding.
Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
Kramer, L., &
Gottman, J. M. (1992). Becoming a sibling: "With a little help
from my friends." Developmental Psychology, 28(4), 685-699.
Kramer, L., &
Rarnsburg, D. (2002). Advice given to parents on welcoming a
second child: A critical review. Family Relations, 5(1),
2-14.
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