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Emotion Coaching

It's not difficult to figure out how a child is feeling when she breaks into tears after her sister breaks her favorite toy. She's angry and sad.

Likewise, it's a pretty safe bet that a child who is wearing a big smile and humming along to his favorite song in the back seat of the car is feeling happy and content.

Such insights come naturally to most parents. But sometimes a child's emotions are less obvious, and like all of us, children can experience several emotions at the same time. To discover what a child is feeling at such times takes a little more work—like looking at a child's body language, listening for hints in a child's tone of voice, and searching for clues in a child's face. It also means increasing our awareness of our own emotions along with those of a child, including those feelings that are harder to identify (like disappointment, hurt feelings, or worry). Whether these emotions are easy to spot or not, they shouldn't be taken for granted. Becoming aware of a child's emotions—especially before they escalate out of control—can benefit everyone.

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It may sound simple, but being aware of what your child is feeling—and why she is feeling it—can open up ways that will allow you to play a meaningful role in helping your child grow up happy, healthy and well-adjusted. The heart and mind connection. More and more, scientists are learning how children's emotional development can affect both their physical

So how does your ability to recognize and understand your child's emotions help? Awareness of these emotions creates the chance for you to connect with a child on an emotional level, to share all the ups and downs of life, and to guide and nurture him on the road to healthy emotional development.

On the trail of emotions.

It isn't always so easy to figure out why your young one is feeling sad, puzzled, giddy, joyful, surprised, embarrassed, fearful or proud. Sometimes it can take a good bit of detective work to unravel what a child has on her mind.

And that can take some digging.

It might not be apparent, but a boy who becomes sullen and angry with a younger sister may be feeling insecure with his place in the family and jealous of the attention she is getting. The reason a girl suddenly wants to stop going to her childcare center might have nothing to do with childcare at all. Instead she may be feeling rejected by a playmate at the center who found a new friend.

The hints to children's feelings aren't always written on their faces. Helping children develop the language to talk about emotions is an important part of the process. For example, they need to learn the words for emotions like disappointment, hurt feelings, sadness, and worry. But even before kids learn to express themselves, tuned-in adults can often decode children's messages by listening closely and trying to view the world from their point of view.

Looking for clues in make-believe.

It's not uncommon for young ones—especially those under seven—to express their own fears and uncertainties while playing. A young girl who is happily cuddling her doll, Molly, might suddenly say 'Molly doesn't like it when mommy and daddy yell at each other.' Take note when this happens. Children often use characters and scenes during make-believe to talk about difficult or confusing feelings.

Nightmares can also offer a glimpse into the child's emotional world, just as they do the adult's. Even at a young age, our subconscious mind finds ways of dealing with emotions that our conscious mind avoids. Comfort your child after a bad dream, explain the difference between dreams and reality, but keep an ear open for the real-life issues behind the nightmare.

To know your child, know yourself.

Although being aware of your child's negative emotions is important, don't forget to enjoy the positive moments as well. Sharing a child's joy and laughter is one of the best moments of parenthood.

Being aware of a child's emotions does take a lot of work. Recognizing and understanding emotions is a skill we can all develop, but putting it into practice in our daily lives can be more difficult for some people.

So how do you improve this skill? If you want to really understand what is going on with your child, Gottman suggests that you start by understanding your own emotional makeup. How do you handle your emotions—especially negative emotions like anger or sadness? How do your emotions change throughout the day? How many 'emotion words' like frustration, worry, joy, and tension do you use in a day? How do you handle feeling different emotions at the same time?

Gottman's research found that parents who were in touch with their own emotions were better able to relate to their children's feelings. Like any good guide, parents need to know the landscape if they want to lead their children through it.

The importance of awareness.

Awareness of a child's emotions is the foundation for a healthy relationship. Parents and caregivers who are tuned into a child's feelings are in a much better position to offer support and understanding during the tough times of anger, sadness and frustration, and they are in a better position to celebrate together the wonderful moments of joy, happiness and laughter. The sense of empathy parents and caregivers develop will be instrumental as they guide their child's overall emotional development.

Helpful Parenting Tips

• Try seeing the world from your child's view when he is struggling with an emotion.
• Listen to your child during playtime for clues to what is making her anxious, scared, happy or proud.
• Build awareness of your own emotions—the better you understand your own feelings, the better you will understand your child's feelings.
• When appropriate, share your emotions with your child.
• Help your child build a vocabulary for expressing his different feelings—and help him discover where these feelings come from.
• Understand that children can experience different emotions at the same time.
• Remember that children are learning about emotions by watching you handle yours.

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References: Gottman, J., DeClaire J. (1997). The heart of parenting: How to raise an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Fireside. Gottman, J., Katz, L., Hooven, C. (1997) Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Mahwah, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum. Currently not available from our store. The information on this Spotlight is the property of Talaris Institute and protected under U.S. copyright and other laws.