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Emotion Coaching

Building connections through giggles and tears.

As parents and caregivers, we experience the full range of our children's emotions nearly every day, and sometimes in ways that can stir up feelings in us, too. Who doesn't share a child's pride and happiness as he shows mom or dad a new drawing? On the other hand, it's hard not to get annoyed with a child who won't stop howling in the grocery store because you passed right by his favorite cookies.

These emotional moments are the times kids naturally turn to adults and caregivers. The response they receive can have a dramatic effect on the way they learn to deal with feelings.

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Whether happy or sad, children's emotions offer parents two very important things: an opportunity to build a deeper and more trusting relationship and a time to teach them how to deal with the wonderful world of human feelings. A chance to teach. Seeing emotional outbursts as an opportunity for bonding and teaching, rather than just another problem

Researcher John Gottman has found that children whose parents respond to their emotions with empathy and patience:

• are more self-confident

• do better in school

• have fewer behavioral problems

• get along better with friends and others

• have fewer infectious illnesses

• can weather marital conflict better

These benefits also appear to have long-lasting effects. Children who develop strong emotional health may be better prepared to deal with difficult events and relationships as teenagers and adults. Emotionally intelligent children are better able to adapt to the different social situations they experience as they get older.

Attitude is important.

Viewing emotional moments as opportunities, rather than burdens, is not an attitude that comes naturally to everyone. We are all wired to deal with emotions differently. Some parents are more likely to dismiss their child's feelings as silly and unimportant. If a kid is feeling hurt or sad, they might say, 'That's life, and the sooner you realize that the better.' Others see negative emotions like sadness or anger as dangerous or harmful, and try to help their children get rid of them as quickly as possible by replacing them with more positive, happy feelings.

For others, displays of emotions just make them uncomfortable. They may try to avoid or ignore their children's feelings, resorting to bribery or threats to control their children's
                                                 emotional behavior.

Both of those approaches can actually do more harm than good, according to Gottman. Emotions—even negative ones—are not something to be dismissed or ignored; they are a normal part of being a happy, healthy, and fully-functioning person.

Learning how emotions work.

For young children, emotions are new and sometimes overwhelming. Kids don't have the benefit of an adult's life experience to understand that the pain they feel when a pet dies will get better with time. Parents and caregivers who support and comfort their child during hard times become that much closer with their child. By offering guidance and experience, they teach the child to deal with feelings that will emerge time and time again in their lives.

Opportunities to teach a child aren't just limited to heavy emotional moments. As all adults know, feelings can escalate. What starts out as mild anxiety about getting the first haircut can grow into a screaming fit once a child is in the barber's chair. By noticing and talking about feelings before they grow into a crisis, parents and caregivers not only defuse issues when they are small, they teach children an important problem-solving strategy.

Whether it's an intense emotional outburst or a quiet, less obvious emotional experience, how a parent acts in the emotional moment is critical. It's important to show patience, interest, and a willingness to join the child in the feeling before working together to find solutions. Parents who take the time to listen, understand, and teach during emotional moments do themselves and their children a lot of good. Not only are their children more likely to see mom and dad as important friends and allies during tough times, they are learning how to deal with emotions in a healthy, effective way.

• Be aware of your children's emotions throughout the day, so that you can recognize when they are upset, sad, or happy.

• Don't dismiss or avoid your children's emotions, but acknowledge and explore them in a patient, caring way.

• Share the feelings with your children, and encourage them to talk about their emotions.

• Provide some "emotional first aid" by letting your children know that:

  • They are acceptable to you—no matter what feelings appear

  • They are not alone—you are there to share the feelings

  • You understand their feelings

  • Their feelings make sense

  • It's OK to trust their emotional instincts

• Help them think of solutions to the situation—and let them suggest their own ideas.

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References: Gottman, J., DeClaire J. (1997). Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. New York: Fireside. Gottman, J., Katz, L., Hooven, C. (1997) Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Mahwah, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum. Currently not available from our store. The information on this Spotlight is the property of Talaris Institute and protected under U.S. copyright and other laws.