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Emotion Coaching

Imagine this situation: you've brought your little one to his first neighborhood birthday party, and while all the other kids are running around in the backyard laughing and shouting, he is standing by a table full of presents in tears.

You know what's wrong—he is envious that those beautifully wrapped presents aren't for him. But no matter how many times you tell him not to be upset and to go out and have fun with the others, he won't stop crying.

He's a smart boy, you think, so why won't he listen to reason?

Explanations and logic might work for adults, but children look to parents and caregivers for something else when they feel swept away by an emotion—comfort and understanding. Children are looking for empathy.

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This is when a parent's ears and heart really come in handy. Listening with empathy and validating a child's feelings—whether happy or sad—are two of the most important steps to take to help children learn to deal successfully with the wonderful world of emotions. Not only will listening with empathy help comfort the child, but research suggests (Gottman, Katz, &

What's a parent to do?

Imagine the situation at the birthday party again, but instead of telling your child how you think he should be feeling—in this case, happy—you simply ask him how he is really feeling. Then listen carefully. If he can't tell you, you can help him identify these feelings: "I bet you wish you were getting some presents. You are feeling envious and that makes you feel bad.''

This can be a very reassuring time for a child. After all, he didn't try to be envious about the presents, he just is. Knowing that an adult listens and understands what he is feeling can be just the kind of comfort he needs.

Not only that, but now you have given your child a word to describe the emotion, 'envy,' which itself can have a calming effect.

Emotions matter.

A child's ability to delight in the happy times, and recover quickly from the bad ones, is a key part of good emotional health, according to Dr. John Gottman.

In his research on the emotional environment of families, Gottman found that children who have emotion-coaching parents:

• are more self-confident

• do better in school

• have fewer behavioral problems

• get along better with friends and others

• have fewer infectious illnesses

• can weather parents' conflict better

Strong emotional health, in turn, makes them better prepared to deal with difficult events later in life.

Obviously, not every emotional moment with your child is as easy to understand as an envious tantrum. Children's emotions are varied and complex. Often it is the low-level emotions, such as when a child just feels blue, that offer the biggest challenge to parents.

Listening and watching.

Getting at what is in your child's heart starts with listening to him carefully. By listening to your child's words, you show that his feelings matter. But listening might mean using more than just your ears. Children express emotions in lots of ways, and parents can learn to 'read' these emotions by watching for certain cues. These cues might include facial expressions (like a furrowed brow), body language (hands in fists, or a body posture that seems down), the words they speak and they way they say them (tone of voice, certain words emphasized), or other ways children reveal their attitudes about things.

Children can be reluctant to talk about their emotions, and it can take a patient and insightful adult to get to the root of the matter. If a child who loved swimming suddenly hates going to the pool, something is up. But ask her why and she is likely to just shrug her shoulders and say "nothing".

That's when adults need to press on, drawing on their own knowledge of their child's life. "Something is bothering you, you used to love the pool. Did something happen with your friends?"

The difficult part for most comes when the child starts opening up. It's hard sometimes not to view your child's problems as small or even silly.

If you find out that she had a fight with her friends at the pool, you might be tempted to tell her to just ''forget about it."

That's not as easy as it sounds for a child. The one thing adults need to keep in mind is that children don't have the years of experience dealing with emotions that they do. To them, emotions are often new and strange. Situations that seem minor to a grownup can appear monumental to a child experiencing them for the first time.

Becoming a friend and ally.

Here's where parents can really become coaches, according to Gottman. The most effective way to help the child understand what she is feeling is to help put her feelings into words with simple statements, such as "it hurts when your friends don't want to play with you.''

Reflecting the child's feelings back is not only comforting, it can make a child feel that they have a friend and an ally. It also puts the parent in a better position to help their child find a solution to the problems she is facing.

And that's the key to listening with empathy and validating your child's feelings. Parents who are tuned in to their child's emotions can turn life's problems into opportunities to teach. By helping children discover their emotions, parents not only offer comfort, they give their kids skills that will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

• Don't dismiss a child's emotions as silly or inconsequential—they are obviously very important to the child.

• Listen to your child in a way that lets her know you are paying attention and taking her seriously.

• Don't judge or criticize emotions, but find a way to show the child that you understand what he is feeling.

• Remember that words of understanding should always come before words of advice.

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References: Gottman, J., DeClaire J. (1997). The heart of parenting: How to raise an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Fireside. Gottman, J., Katz, L., Hooven, C. (1997) Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Mahwah, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum. Currently not available from our store. The information on this Spotlight is the property of Talaris Institute and protected under U.S. copyright and other laws.