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Emotion Coaching

Anger...envy...sadness...frustration. These are feelings that come naturally to children. But how do you help them learn to cope with such emotions in a way that promotes both mental and physical health? The answer can be as simple as giving feelings a name.

Children often lack the basic vocabulary necessary to make sense of the emotions they feel, whether it is jealousy, hurt, fear or worry.  Caregivers who tell a child with tears streaming down her cheek,  "You are feeling sad now, aren't you?" or a child in the midst of a foot-stomping tantrum, "I can see you are feeling angry," perform an important task. Those who help teach their children to name their emotions give them a valuable, lifelong skill.

Putting a name to the emotion not only helps children make sense of what they are feeling. Research studies suggest that it also helps calm their nervous systems and helps them recover faster from upsetting situations.

A key to emotional health.

Labeling emotions is an important step in Emotion Coaching. Research indicates (Gottman, & DeClaire, 1997) that children raised with an "Emotion Coaching" style that encourages healthy emotional development:

• are more self-confident
• do better in school
• have fewer behavioral problems
• get along better with friends and others
• have fewer infectious illnesses
• can weather their parents' conflict better

Strong emotional health, in turn, may make them better prepared to deal with difficult events later in life. One of the fundamental parts of healthy emotional development for children is to learn how to self-soothe during times of distress. This doesn't mean the children feel less angry, scared or frustrated. It's healthy to experience these powerful feelings. These children are just better able to process their feelings, bounce back from emotional events, and refocus on other activities. And when children can bounce back from emotional experiences, they are more able to pay attention to important tasks like maintaining friendships or completing schoolwork.

Soothing the child.

So how does something as simple as naming emotions help? Science provides us with emerging answers and intriguing questions.

Studies from various laboratories show that the act of naming an emotion has a quieting effect on the nervous system, which may in turn help children to recover faster from emotional stress. Exactly why this happens remains unclear, but some scientists believe it has to do with the brain's structure and how emotions are processed. In the brain, there are certain areas primarily responsible for processing emotions, and other areas primarily responsible for handling logical thinking and language. What's important here are the connections between these areas, and neuroscientists are studying these connections very closely.

Verbalizing an emotion engages the language area in the left side of the brain, which is also an area involved in logic and other higher-level types of thinking. Dr. Gottman believes that naming an emotion stimulates the nerve cells in this area, which may activate connections between this 'logic' area and areas of emotion processing. Activating these connections may help a child to think about the emotion in a different way, leading to a calming effect.

Helpful Parenting Tips

Labeling emotions seems like a simple approach, but sometimes it is not as easy as it sounds. First, caregivers need to be aware of what their children are feeling, so that they can help find the best word to describe these feelings. That can be tricky. Like adults, children can experience mixed emotions. A child with a new baby sister on the way may feel both excited for the new arrival and anxious about the way life at home will change. Exploring the full range of emotions will reassure a child that it is normal to experience conflicting feelings.

Parents and caregivers can help children develop a rich and accurate vocabulary for their emotions. To do this, parents and caregivers can:

• Start identifying emotions together early—you can begin even before the child can talk. One way is to use a game that Dr. Gottman calls 'The Guys,' where a parent draws a different face on each finger—one finger might have an angry face, while others could have sadness, happiness, surprise, or fear. These 'guys' then talk about their day, and why they feel a certain way. After hearing from each 'guy,' you can ask your child to grab the finger that is the most like they way they feel (this can start as early as 9 months or so).
• Use puppets to show different emotions and then talk about what these emotions are called, and when people feel them.
• Refrain from telling children what they ought to feel—try to identify the emotions they are feeling.
• Model identifying your own emotions—children learn by watching and copying what adults do.

Other benefits.

There is another powerful reason to help children find the right words for their emotional experiences—it's a way of showing empathy. For some caregivers, a child's emotional outburst can be a time of intense frustration and annoyance. But for others, it provides a perfect opportunity to both teach and grow closer to their child. Labeling an emotion not only gives children a word for what they are feeling, it shows that they are understood, and that is something all of us find comforting.

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References: Gottman, J., DeClaire J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Fireside. Gottman, J., Katz, L., Hooven, C. (1997) Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Mahwah, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum. Currently not available from our store. The information on this Spotlight is the property of Talaris Institute and protected under U.S. copyright and other laws.