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Solving problems together. Kids act out their emotions in a lot of different ways. They giggle when they are happy. They smile when they are proud. And they mope when they are blue. Sometimes, though, they do things that cross the line. One may hit his brother because he is angry, bite a friend because she is jealous, or break toys because they are frustrated. For children, especially young ones, learning acceptable ways of expressing emotions are some of the most important lessons in life. The challenge for parents is to accept and value their children's emotions as they set limits on inappropriate behavior. The next step is to help children learn to successfully puzzle their way through problems, both big and small, which are a normal part of growing up. Setting limits is the first step in an entire problem solving strategy, according to Dr. John Gottman. Once you have made it clear what's OK and what's not OK—and why—you should help your children identify, evaluate, and choose effective solutions to their problems. As you set boundaries and teach children positive ways of behaving, you are teaching your children the values of your family and culture. Feelings vs. behavior. Children's behavior will sometimes cross the line. What happens next can have a big effect on their emotional development. Gottman suggests that adults need to make a clear distinction at such times: the child's feelings aren't the problem, their misbehavior is. After all, kids can't control how they feel about something. Neither can adults, for that matter. But we can learn to control how we act on those feelings, and that is what we should teach our children to understand. We need to communicate to them that all feelings are acceptable, but not all behavior is acceptable. For example, a child may be angry at his brother—but that doesn't mean he can hit him. The angry feelings are understandable, but hitting his brother is not OK. Parents and caregivers can use a child's inappropriate outburst as an opportunity for teaching by trying the following approach:
For example, a father might say “Your sister took your crayons without asking and that made you mad. I would be angry too. But it is not okay for you to rip up her coloring book. Now, can you think of a different thing to do?’’ How does this help? Setting limits and problem solving in this way supports your children’s overall emotional development in several ways. First, your child’s feelings are valued as you show that they matter to you. You also can provide (and model) empathy by showing that you’ve had those feelings too. Through setting limits and teaching problem solving strategies, you are giving them the skills and strategies they need to cope successfully with the big and wonderful world of human feelings. Lifelong benefits. The rewards to this approach can last a lifetime. Gottman’s research (Gottman, Katz, & Hooven, 1997) has found that children who are raised with an “emotion coaching” parenting style:
What it boils down to is:
Setting goals really means asking your children what they would like to accomplish—and giving them plenty of time to think about it. In the example above, it may be as simple as keeping a sister away from the crayons. Other problems might be more difficult. If a pet dies or a friend moves away, the goal may be to help ease the pain of loss. Creative thinking helps. The real creativity comes in thinking through possible solutions to the problems. This can be somewhat challenging with young children, because they often have a hard time keeping more than one option in mind. Pretending different scenarios can be helpful, perhaps using puppets to show different ways of approaching the problem. The first puppet might ask nicely to use the crayons, or two puppets could talk about how they can share the crayons in the future or agree to take turns. It’s important to give children plenty of time to come up with solutions. Although it can take a while, it’s important for the child to learn to come up with his or her own ideas about solving problems. And try not to be critical of these ideas—even if they are not quite as good as the idea you had in mind. After thinking of some possible things to do, the parent or caregiver can help the child pick an acceptable solution to the problem at hand. The child might not always pick the best one, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Children often learn best from their own mistakes, and it can sometimes be more effective to let a child try a reasonable solution that fails first before finding one that works. Helping a child learn how to cope successfully with a problem is one of the most rewarding moments for a parent or caregiver. Giving children the skills to deal with the world around them is what parents and caregivers are supposed to do. Kids should be given the freedom to experience all emotions to their fullest, but they also need to understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. With this combination of valuing emotions while setting limits on behavior, parents can help children learn to find solutions to the challenges they will face as they grow into adults.
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