Dismissing Parent | Disapproving Parent | Laissez-Faire | Emotion-Coaching

"Just get over it."

Let's face it—emotions come in all shapes and sizes and we never outgrow them.

Children can be giggling joyfully one moment, and then seemingly out of the blue, they can throw a tantrum on the floor. Sometimes their emotions last a long time, other times they vanish almost instantly. Emotions are often difficult to predict, and they're not always easy to control.

No wonder we're not automatically comfortable with emotions.

Sometimes we might feel like avoiding our children’s emotions altogether. Yet discomfort with emotions, or a desire to avoid them, can lead to a parenting style that has negative effects on a child's development.

Research by Dr. John Gottman suggests that habitually brushing emotions aside can have long-term negative consequences for children (Gottman, Katz, & Hooven, 1997). Compared to children raised by parents who valued and guided emotions, children whose parents ignored or dismissed emotions had more behavioral problems, more difficulty with friendships, lower academic achievement, and more health problems overall.

The role of meta-emotions.

We all have attitudes or beliefs about emotions, and these attitudes shape how we respond to our own emotions and the emotions of others. For example, if we don’t think emotions are important, we will probably try to ignore them and hope they go away quickly. If we are comfortable with emotions and believe that they are a natural part of our lives, we are more likely to be aware of how we are feeling and to value these feelings. Gottman calls these attitudes "meta-emotions”—our feelings about our emotions.

• If we attend to our own emotions, we are more likely to notice the emotions of others.
• If we fear or neglect our own emotions, we are more likely to fear or neglect the emotions of others.
  

The emotion-dismissive parenting style.

Parenting styles are deeply influenced by one's meta-emotions—the attitudes parents have about their own emotions. Emotion-dismissing parents, for example, often view their own emotions as voluntary, as something they choose to feel. These parents then view their child's emotions in the same light. When a child experiences a negative emotion, the solution seems simple: the child should simply decide to have a more positive emotion. In addition, emotion-dismissing adults tend to think of negative emotions as toxic, as if these feelings should be avoided. If a child experiences a negative emotion, they will do anything to move the child out of the negative emotional state, including distraction, tickling, eating, and so on.

Such parents are not insensitive to their children’s emotions. They see them happening and want to be helpful and protective, but they are not sure what to do. Because they are uncomfortable with their own emotions, they remain uncomfortable with their child's feelings. For them, dismissing the emotion, minimizing it by saying “it’s not that bad” or distracting the child with something new, may seem like the best option.

If the emotion is sadness, anger, or fear, a parent may feel discomfort or anxiety when the child expresses such emotions.  This may raise questions, such as:

• Why is she sad?
• Is something wrong with my child?
• Have I done something wrong?
• How long will it last?
• Won't it damage her if I allow her to feel sadness or anger or fear?
• How quickly can I change this feeling in her?

Such fears can lead to misguided efforts. For example, one way to deal with an uncomfortable negative emotion may be to stand back and ignore it and, in effect, teach your child to do likewise. Another is to rush in and try to fix it quickly. Still another involves “toughing it out.” Yet however many ways there may be to ignore, minimize, or distract the child from the emotion, these well-intended efforts all suffer from important flaws.

Emotion-dismissing parents tend to:

• View emotions as something to be avoided or dismissed. But as Gottman notes, in dismissing the child's emotional experiences, these efforts may also dismiss or diminish the child.
• Suggest to the child that experiencing sadness isn't important enough to cause a parent's concern—or that children aren't supposed to be sad.
• Suggest that the child's own emotions aren't to be trusted.
• Show examples of a dismissive pattern that children learn to imitate. Children often model adult behavior and attitudes. If the adult regards emotions as something to be moved out of the way, the child will likely follow suit.

Emotions—Opportunities to grow closer to your child.

Emotions—including negative emotions—are healthy and natural, not problems to be fixed or avoided.  More importantly, they are opportunities to build trust and share experiences with children.

With the help of a technique called "emotion coaching," anyone can learn to shift to a healthier and happier parenting style. Emotion-coaching adults empathize with their child's emotions. But they go beyond empathy. They help the child label her feelings and solve problems; they guide the child and set limits on behavior. In short, these adults believe that emotions should be valued, shared, and worked through in positive ways. And that means they can teach their children these attitudes as well.

Accepting, valuing, and exploring emotions is not always easy. It is not automatic, like breathing or growing fingernails. We’re not necessarily born with the ability to do it. Instead, it might require effort and practice—but like any new skill, it can be learned.  And it gets easier with practice.

It is well worth the effort.

Dismissing Parent | Disapproving Parent | Laissez-Faire | Emotion-Coaching
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