Dismissing Parent | Disapproving Parent | Laissez-Faire | Emotion-Coaching 

"Anything goes."

A young child, Toby, sometimes gets teased on the playground. When he comes home he tells his mom, Paula, all about it. Naturally his mom expresses concern for Toby and his hurt feelings. As she explains: "He gets upset by it, so I try to let him know that I love him no matter what, and that I think the world of him."

Paula loves her son unconditionally, and she often lets him know it. She also encourages him to express his feelings and let them run their course, believing that it’s healthier than keeping them bottled up. And that's roughly what the French phrase "laissez faire" means: to let something be, to leave it alone. But sometimes Paula feels like she should be doing more for her son when he experiences strong emotions. Like many parents, Paula isn't sure how to help her child learn from his emotional experiences.

This style of parenting has many things going for it. Those who have a "laissez-faire" attitude about emotion accept emotions as natural and normal. Rather than ignoring their child's feelings, or dismissing them, these parents view emotions as a normal part of life. They see emotion as a process that needs to run its natural course without much outside interference. Emotion, in this view, is like a river. If you let it flow, it will go where it needs to go. But if you dam it, the pent-up force of the river may turn destructive.

Despite the name, "laissez-faire" adults are not “hands-off” when it comes to raising their children. They value being involved in their children's lives. They accept, love, and respect their children, and they encourage and honor their children’s emotional expressions. They know children flourish in an atmosphere of unconditional love. But they also fear that setting limits on a child's behavior might send the wrong message. They fear their child may sense that the parents' love depends on compliance or good behavior rather than the child's inner value.

One mother, Sally, grew up under a father who had forbidden her to express her frustration and anger as a child. She wants to spare her own daughter the pressure-cooker atmosphere she grew up in, and so she practices a laissez-faire parenting style: “I want my kids to know they can scream and yell all they want. I want them to know it's all right to say 'I've been put upon and I don't like it'” (Gottman, Katz & Hooven, 1997).

Non-interference is not enough.

As admirable as this accepting attitude toward emotion may first seem, it falls short of nurturing healthy emotional development. Imagine what would happen, for example, if you decided to be a laissez-faire gardener one summer. Rather than interfere with the natural process of growth, you decide to step out of its way. Other than providing rich soil and frequent watering, you simply let nature take its course.

Soon there is a problem: your garden will be full of weeds as well as flowers.

Sometimes letting things run their course does not always produce the best results. Laissez-faire parenting runs into something like the same problem. In parenting, as in gardening, it is not enough to let things go. You have to help them grow.

Despite her best efforts to accept her daughter's emotions, Sally encountered the same problem. When her daughter does something wrong, she would like to be able to say, "That wasn't a very good idea; maybe we should try something different." Yet Sally feels powerless to help her daughter understand her emotions as well as experience them. As a result, Sally eventually finds herself "screaming and yelling" at her daughter. Sally sometimes feels "at the end of her rope" and will resort to anything that might work, including physical punishment.

Obviously, something is wrong with this picture.

From accepting to coaching: the step beyond letting it be.

What's missing from Sally's parenting style? It's not acceptance, since she's very accepting of her daughter's emotions and her tendency to express them. It's not good intentions, since Sally is perfectly willing to accept the effects of an emotionally expressive child, at least until her patience runs out. Something else, some crucial additional element, seems to be missing.

Research suggests it's not enough to accept and value your child's emotions. In addition to being allowed to freely experience their emotions, children need to be encouraged to understand them as well. And this is precisely where the laissez-faire parenting style falls short. Many families are very accepting of a child's emotion, but they lack the skills to help the child understand or learn from them (Gottman, Katz, & Hooven, 1997).

Children imitate the adults who care for them. That means that parents who experience and learn from their own emotions can serve as models for their children.

Children who have had emotional guidance gradually begin to integrate their parents' responses into their own behavior. The other side of the coin holds true as well. Without the guidance that comes from understanding their emotions, children don't learn how to regulate them. As a result, such children:

• often lack the ability to calm down when they're angry, sad, or upset
• find it more difficult to concentrate or learn new skills, and therefore don't do as well in school
• find it more difficult to pick up on social cues, and therefore may find it harder to make and keep friends

The good and bad of laissez-faire parenting.

Laissez-faire parenting is a real advance over being dismissive or disapproving of emotions. It teaches the child the importance of accepting and experiencing his or her own emotions. But simply experiencing emotions is not enough. Emotions must be understood as well, since that allows children to learn to regulate rather than simply experience emotions. How, then, can parents foster such understanding? They can begin by learning and practicing the five key steps of emotion coaching.

Dismissing Parent | Disapproving Parent | Laissez-Faire | Emotion-Coaching
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5 Steps of Emotion Coaching