Emotion Coaching, the parenting style that best nurtures a child’s
emotional development, begins with one word…empathy.
It means valuing and sharing the feelings your child
experiences, from the sadness over a friend moving away to the
anger at an older brother who snatched away a favorite toy. It
means viewing emotions, even negative ones, as a natural part of
life.
Empathy
and children.
Empathy is at the heart of parenting and caregiving. It creates a foundation
for strong, healthy, trusting relationships with your children. They
learn to trust their own emotions, and how to deal with them in positive
ways. They tend to do better in school, have better friendships,
and recover more quickly from strong emotional events. Children who
experience empathy from their parents and caregivers thrive.
For some, this style comes naturally. For others, it means
a few changes—starting with a person’s attitude about emotions
and how to deal with them.
Everyone who cares for children can be an Emotion Coach. Emotion Coaching
grows out of empathy, out of a desire to share, nurture, and guide the
feelings of children as they experience life’s ups and downs. Emotion
coaching involves teaching children what emotions are and how emotions
work, often in the midst of an emotionally charged event. Emotion Coaching
values all feelings—but not all behaviors, because children need
to learn how to handle their emotions as well.
What is emotion coaching?
Meet Michael. He is 3 years old and he is angry…very angry.
Red-faced from crying, Michael is enraged because his older sister
just dunked his favorite stuffed bear in the toilet. As Michael stomps
into the room crying, his father is faced with the difficult task of
dealing with his son’s raw emotional state. Some of his options
include:
Pretending it isn’t happening and hoping it goes away on its
own.
Encouraging his son to get over it—it’s just not that
big a deal…the bear will dry out.
Empathizing with his son’s feelings—sharing them and talking
about them.
Teaching his son that this anger is inappropriate—he shouldn’t be
angry at his sister
Michael’s father, an Emotion Coach, chooses option 3—he moves
in close to his son and chooses to share the angry moment with him.
It’s when feelings run high that Emotion Coaching takes place, because
the best time to teach about emotions and how to handle them
is when they occur. It might look something like this:
Michael:
“I hate Carrie! She killed
my bear!” (more crying)
Dad:
“Come here, Michael.”
Michael:
“Daddy, she ruined my bear!”
Dad:
“I can see you’re upset.
You seem angry at your sister.”
Michael:
“Yeah. It’s not fair.”
Dad:
“You wish Carrie hadn’t
dunked your bear in the toilet, and she shouldn’t have. You’re
really angry about it, and I would be too.”
Michael:
“Yeah” (his anger starts
cooling down a bit).
Dad:
“I remember when my sister
did something bad to me. I was so mad, I wanted to get back at her for what she did. Do you wish you could get back at Carrie for what she
did?”
Michael:
“Yeah. I want to put her
doll in the toilet.”
Dad:
“Let’s think about what
you can do. I don’t think putting her doll in the toilet is
the best way to go. We need a better solution. Can you think of
something else to do?”
At first, taking this approach or saying these words might feel unnatural—or
just too hard. But like other skills we develop, we get better at Emotion
Coaching with practice. Also, every emotional event is different, and
Emotion Coaching needs to be flexible. None of us can do this all the
time. But the more we can take the time to work through a child’s
emotions, the better.
The five steps of Emotion Coaching.
Emotion Coaching can be learned by anyone. It takes a commitment
to nurture your child’s emotions—and lots of practice. It
is especially effective during the emotional event itself, when emotions
might be running high. As you get more familiar with your child’s
emotions, you also might be able to deal with them before they develop
into bigger problems.
Here are the steps that Emotion Coaches follow. Further explanation
of each step is found under the research spotlights entitled “The
Five Steps of Emotion Coaching.”
Being aware of the child's emotions
Recognizing emotional times as “magic moments” and as
opportunities for intimacy and teaching
Listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings
Helping the child verbally label emotions
Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve
The benefits of Emotion Coaching.
In his research, John Gottman (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997) found
that parents and caregivers who follow these steps see many positive
results. Their children:
get along better with friends and others
do better in school
handle negative moods better
have fewer behavioral problems
have fewer infectious illnesses
weather marital conflict better
Alongside these benefits, children who are emotion-coached are more
likely to trust their own emotions—and to trust you with them.
Emotion Coaching, built upon empathy, builds trust and leads to closer
relationships among adults and children.
Other strategies for Emotion Coaching.
Caring for a child is the most important—and most demanding—job
you will ever have. Becoming an Emotion Coach is an investment in your
child’s future, with potential long-term benefits for both of you.
Here are some reminders that will support the 5 steps of Emotion Coaching:
Be patient
Be honest with your child
Avoid excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your
child
Avoid calling your child names that “label” them negatively
(lazy, selfish, thoughtless, spacey, etc.)
Point out your child’s small successes to boost his or her
confidence
Be aware of your child’s needs, both physical and emotional
Identify what she enjoys—and what she doesn’t enjoy
Avoid agreeing with the “enemy” when a child feels mistreated
Empower your child by giving choices and respecting his wishes
Coaching your child through emotional events can improve your relationship–and
this makes your all-important job of caring even more enjoyable—for
everyone!
Gottman, J., DeClaire J. (1997). Raising
an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting.
New York: Fireside.
Gottman, J., Katz, L., & Hooven, C. (1997).
Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Mahwah,
N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum.
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