They’re not fun, but they’re a normal part of child development!
It might start with a scowl and crossed arms as you put the box of favorite cookies back on the store shelf. Pretty soon his feet are kicking, he’s squirming in the grocery cart seat, and his face is turning red. As you push the cart past the shelf, he reaches for the cookies and his demands of “I want” grow louder.
Shoppers start to stare. You to try to hush him in a calm but firm voice saying, “No honey…no treats before dinner.” But it’s not working. He starts to pound the cart and out of those tiny lungs now comes a roar that could drown out a jet engine.
You look
around and see people looking at you. You can imagine the other parents
muttering, “I wouldn’t let my kid make that kind of racket.” You feel
embarrassed, frustrated, angry, and it seems like there is nothing you can
do to stop it. Sometimes there isn’t. And that’s okay. But there are
things that you can do to help you both get through this challenging time!
Temper
tantrums are a normal and very common part of growing up. Ignore those
eye-rolling critics. Your child’s extreme display of kicking, screaming, and
crying is not a bad rap on your parenting skills. Viewed another way,
tantrums can even offer a great “parenting moment” to help your child learn
to deal with strong emotions. So stay calm and stay close. Your child needs
you to be there.
It really IS a
phase.
For kids, tantrums are like stuffy noses: eventually, everyone has one.
In fact, they are probably going to throw a number of them. Tantrums occur
in children from around 18 months of age to about 4 years of age. They are
the most common behavior problem in childhood. Tantrums can include the
following: stiffening of the body, dropping to the floor, shouting,
screaming, crying, pushing or pulling, stomping feet, hitting, kicking,
throwing objects, or running away. The good news is that as a child grows
older and learns to handle their emotions, the number of tantrums that occur
tends to decrease. (Potegal & Davidson 2003)
While you are waiting for this phase to pass take this opportunity to
connect with your child, learn about who they are, and help teach them ways
to understand and cope with their feelings.
Is this a
declaration of independence?
So why does your child melt down from time to time? There could be so
many reasons aside from the obvious ones of hunger, tired, or not
feeling well.
Consider this: for the first few years of life, children spend much of
their time developing close relationships with parents and caregivers.
Unable to move around on their own, the world they explore is the one
within arms reach. But as they master the art of crawling and walking
they develop the ability to decide for themselves where to go and what
to touch. Meanwhile, they are learning how to express their desires
(“no” and “mine” are favorite words) and deal with the emotional fallout
when they don’t get their way.
These emotional explosions are part of children’s normal efforts to
establish a sense of individuality and autonomy – a sort of declaration
of independence from mom and dad. Your child is showing you that he can
think for himself, and has desires and motivations that are separate
from you (Thompson, 2001). As challenging as a temper tantrum is for a
parent to deal with, having a mind of our own is an important part of
growing-up.
If only you were a
mind reader.
You
can’t always know the cause of these emotional outbursts. The world
can look very different from a child’s point of view. The inability to
express or even understand desires or feelings can cause frustration
to build and boil over into a tantrum. There are many contributing
factors to a child’s emotional state, and sometimes it is the total
sum that leads to the meltdown. Looking back at the situation that led
up to the tantrum may or may not provide some hints. Play detective
and ask yourself: Was she tired or hungry? Was she frustrated because
everything was moving too fast? Did she want to stay at home when I
needed to go shopping? Was that a new activity? Did she feel
threatened in some way?
Try to figure out what triggers a tantrum for your child. Decode and
respond to her cues before they build into frustrations or meltdowns.
Sometimes a child will start to communicate her feelings in subtle
ways, such as frowning, sighing, or pulling away. Reading and
responding to those early cues of building stress may help prevent a
tantrum.
If you know that your son dislikes going to the grocery store because
he wants to stay home and play prepare him ahead of time for your
shopping trip together. Assign him a job like holding the shopping
list and pen. Have him hold the bag open while you drop the apples in.
Alternatively, let him bring a small toy or book to play with in the
cart and while you shop.
Another way to prevent a tantrum is to distract or redirect a child
with another task. (Thompson, 1994) For example, three year old Jenny
and her playmate Amanda are having a fun playdate at your house. You
know that Amanda’s Dad is his way come to pick her- give the girls a
“10 minute alarm.” Let them know what is going to happen to help them
prepare for Amanda’s departure. Then give a five minute alarm, a two
minute alarm, and so on. Jenny may still get upset when Amanda leaves.
She may pout, stomp her feet, and cross her arms over her chest.
Distract her with a new task: “let’s go outside and ride our bikes
together.” By distracting a child with a new task you are modeling
good behavior and you may prevent a temper tantrum from happening.
Use this as a
chance to teach.
One of the most important things you can do for your child in these
intense moments is to help him handle upsetting situations. Learning how
to manage negative emotions is a critical step in your child’s social
and emotional development (Kopp, 1989; Thompson, 1991). A two-year olds
desire for independence is important but tantrums must evolve into
learning ways to cope with feelings like anger and frustration.
One thing you can do during a tantrum is to stay calm and stay close. A
tantrum is no fun for you but if you lose your cool it will likely make
the tantrum worse. Your child needs you to show them how we calm our
bodies down – taking slow deep breaths and being still. A gentle hand on
the back while you say “I know you are angry and when you calm down
we’ll talk about it. Let’s take a deep breath together, I am here for
you” may give your child the prompt they need to calm down.
Then, when things are calmer, one of the best things you can do is to
talk to your kids about their feelings. Take advantage of the moment to
connect with your child by listening to him with empathy. Research
suggests that helping your child name the emotions he is feeling can be
effective Tell him that you know he is feeling angry or frustrated or
hurt. Let him know that you understand the emotion. You might say, “Hey,
we can all feel upset when we can’t have something we want.” Then
explain why eating a cookie right before dinner isn’t such a good idea.
Help your child understand the causes and consequences for feelings.
Find a solution together to help you both get through the next time. Ask
them “what can we do to fix this? Yes you can have a cookie after you
eat your dinner.” (Gottman, J. & Talaris Research Institute, 2004)
Patience is a
virtue.
Even these techniques might not be enough to calm a child in the midst
of a monumental meltdown. Sometimes you just have to let the steam blow.
And If you feel yourself needing a break from the moment it is okay to
leave the room or put your child in their room until they calm down.
Stay within view so that you know they are safe and they know you are
still there. Say “I am going in the kitchen and when you calm down we’ll
talk about it.” Sometimes parents need breathing room too.
It can be tempting to punish a child for throwing a tantrum. But
remember as tough as tantrums are for you to deal with, keep in mind
that they are a normal part of your child’s emotional development. It
can be very scary for a child when their emotions run hot and she
doesn’t know how to calm down yet. Try to see these outbursts as a
chance to build trust with your child. She really needs you to stay cool
and help her learn to deal with upsetting situations.
You are teaching your child that even though things we don’t like will
happen in life, we can learn to make good decisions about calming down
and feeling better.
Helpful Parenting Tips
Tantrums happen. But there are some things you can do to make them
easier for you and your child.
Take a deep breath and try to stay calm. It doesn’t help matters and likely makes things worse if you get upset.
While it might be tempting to “give-in” when your child is throwing a tantrum, set and keep limits with your child.
Kneel or bend down to your child’s level, stay close and touch them soothingly. With young children, try sitting them on your lap if that will help comfort them.
It may take a few minutes for your child to settle down, but a little time can make a big difference in how your child responds.
During a tantrum, don’t expect her to explain what’s wrong. She might not even know; and if she is pressured to communicate her feelings when she feels out of control, it could make it worse.
Even though occasional tantrums are normal, it is still not okay for a child to hit or damage things. Explain that hitting is not okay, and just like you wouldn’t let anyone hurt them, you won’t let them hurt themselves or anyone else. Children always need to feel safe.
Tell your child that you are right there with her and that you understand she is upset.
Once he has settled down, talk about what happened. “I know you are mad that you can’t have a cookie, but we are going to be eating dinner soon and it would spoil your appetite.”
Don’t punish a child for throwing tantrums; use it as a chance to help her deal with overwhelming emotions and stressful situations.
Evaluate your own responses to the temper tantrums- what has not worked? What does work? What new techniques could
you try?
If your child seems to have more frequent or more severe tantrums, or they are not decreasing with age, discuss your concerns with your child’s pediatrician.
References:
Gottman, J., &
Talaris Research Institute. (2004). What am I feeling?
Seattle, WA: Parenting Press.
Kopp, C. B.
(1989). Regulation of distress and negative emotions: A
developmental view. Developmental Psychology, 25(3),
343-354.
Potegal, M., &
Davidson, R. J. (2003). Temper tantrums in young children: 1.
Behavioral composition. Developmental and Behavioral
Pediatrics, 24(3), 140-147.
Thompson, R. A.
(1991). Emotion and self-regulation. In R. A. Thompson (Ed.),
Socioemotional development: Nebraska Symposium on Motivation
(Vol. 36, pp. 367-467). Lincoln, NE: University of Nebraska Press.
Thompson, R. A.,
Laible, D. J., & Ontai, L. L. (2003). Early understandings of
emotion, morality and self: Developing a working model. In R. V.
Kail (Ed.), Advances in child development and behavior
(Vol. 31, pp. 137-171). New York: Academic Press.
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You
can’t always know the cause of these emotional outbursts. The world
can look very different from a child’s point of view. The inability to
express or even understand desires or feelings can cause frustration
to build and boil over into a tantrum. There are many contributing
factors to a child’s emotional state, and sometimes it is the total
sum that leads to the meltdown. Looking back at the situation that led
up to the tantrum may or may not provide some hints. Play detective
and ask yourself: Was she tired or hungry? Was she frustrated because
everything was moving too fast? Did she want to stay at home when I
needed to go shopping? Was that a new activity? Did she feel
threatened in some way? 
Take a deep breath and try to stay calm. It doesn’t help matters and likely makes things worse if you get upset.
